So, i know what you’re thinking: ‘here comes along another teen, full of problems, full of pain, with nowhere else to turn to but the web’, and yes. You’re pretty much bang on. The thing is, nobody knows i feel like this. I have to pretend to be someone i’m not around the people most present in my life, just because i know how vulnerable i can get when i open myself up, and that’s some scary shit. Something that’s hard for everyone is being honest and open, it doesn’t matter who you are, how many people truly know YOU? Yes you may have many friends and be the most popular person on the planet, but i guarantee there are only a few select people who know the real you.
Who am i you ask? Well, I’m a 19 year old northern lad, athlete, musician, photographer. I have a gorgeous girlfriend (way out of my league), a group of friends that can make and break my day, and a family that are there for me whenever i need them. So why can’t this blog be called ‘the boy who has the world’? What has lead me down a dark path of anxiety and depression? Well, nothing is ever as simple as it seems. You could say it’s risen from my past: childhood, high school, my first love. You could say it’s down to the present: failing university, a sick grandparent, my hair falling out (yes, you heard me). Maybe it’s down to a culmination of things. Who Knows.
All i know is that i’m not alone. There are millions out there who feel the same as i do, even if they won’t admit it. People who cannot explain how they feel or why they feel that way, and feel like if they tell the people they are close to then they will be treated differently. Take me for example; I have a beautiful girlfriend, she’s incredibly smart, religious and an extremely talented athlete. She’s got a family who think she’s an angel, and it’s all smiles every day in their household. Don’t get me wrong, that’s fantastic and everything should be that way, but how do i tell this girl how depressed i really am? That i panic when I’m around too many people? That i get angry and punch walls and hurt myself ? The answer is i can’t. It would break her, she loves me and i love her, i want to be her boyfriend, not her lost cause or Christianity project. I guess if i want to eventually put a ring on this girls finger, I’ve got to do it at some point, but fuck me i’m terrified.
I guess this blog is going to be about me; the good, the bad and the fucking ugly happenings in my life. I’ll make you happy, i’ll make you sad, i may even piss you off a little, but all i want is to make you think. Are you like me? Do you know someone who may be like me? Well if there was ever a crumbling maniac to make you question things, i hope it can be me.