When we first met..

How could I forget, the day that changed my life. Years and years of my life dedicated to making you happy, making you mad, and trying to forget you. You made me who I am today; you’re responsible for my very way of life, you’re responsible for how broken I am.

I know it isn’t your fault, not your intention, you fell into the pit with me, we were in it together. Your big beautiful brown eyes, which lit up every room. The smile that could make me and break me every time it decided to make an appearance. The way we could be at peace, even when you could hear a pin drop. The raw emotions; never felt before that moment, the excitement and nervousness co-dominant with fear and anticipation. The thought of you lit up my world, the thought of losing you tore it apart. How was I supposed to act? I don’t know, I’ve never been so fucking vulnerable in my life.I let you in, you let me in. We shared secrets untold to even our closest friends. We touched, kissed, experimented, unsure of what to do and how to feel. You told me you love me. I told you I love you. We were so young and so naive how were we supposed to know?..

The first fight, the first heartbreak, the first time apart from one another. Again and again, like a never ending loop, we would fall for each other; so hard it would damage us more and more each time. When we first met I had no idea. I had no idea that years down the line, I would be crying at your feet, plea-ing that my life doesn’t work without you. I wasn’t lying, my life really didn’t work without you. You taught me what love truly is, I may of been young but I certainly understood. Even through all the changes, on both ends of the spectrum, I knew that I would take a bullet through the heart if it meant you had a chance to be happy for just a moment.

Now you’re gone. We had to leave each other, it was detrimental to our health, we would tear each other’s souls into pieces until there was nothing but crumbs of wallow and self pity. We moved on, we tried to live our lives, I’m happy with a woman who I can honestly say I truly love. But nothing can change the past, you are a part of my identity, your smile will forever hold a place in my heart, and I will always be there for you, even if you don’t know it. Maybe you are the sole reason I developed anxiety: you showed me how much pain can come to me if I let another in, which will scar me until I am on my death bed. Even if you are the reason, I wouldn’t change a thing. You are part of me forever, in such a way no one can change. I would be broken for a million years, as long as I get to remember you.

My first love, my first heartbreak, I hope you are well. I hope you find peace and happiness, and I hope you conquer the world. Maybe our paths will cross again some day. It would be nice to see you smile again.I know I am not the only one with roots such as these. We have all fallen in love, and if you haven’t, you will know what it feels like. It changes who we are, but we accept it because it was worth getting to know someone as important to you as the air you breathe. If they’re the reason for your mental illness, maybe they’re the only cure? Love can be found again, each a scar to your ever breaking hearts. There is always faith.There is always love.

As always,

Peace.

Francis

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9 Comments

  1. Hi Took me 25 years but we did meet again and still keep in touch as friends – over those 25 years I never stopped wondering how she was. We’re still both fighting our battles with life but I understand the impression that first love made and left but equally the need to be apart.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I admire the strength in your writing, Francis. First loves are tough to let go. Mine was eight years ago and I still have weird, mixed feelings towards him sometimes. I want to forgive and grow, but there’s also a small part of me that seems to enjoy the anger I needed in order to finally say goodbye.

    Liked by 1 person

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