It’s the ending of day which unsettles us most. It’s almost funny, how one who loathes the company of others can fear the time of day where loneliness is a given. The final closing of your door, the flick of the light switch, and your day is over. Or is it?
Not for all of us, the night is where we are the worst, the night is where we involuntarily choose thought over peace. It’s where we count down every hour we’ve been lying there, knowing with each second how much harder it’s going to be to rest your head. The fear kicks in, the worries, when your mind reviews your day and scrutinizes you for every single move you made, perceiving it to be in the wrong. Why did you say that to them? What are they going to think of you now? It can even be as trivial as the amount of money you spent on your lunch, in the worry of gaining weight and becoming even more exposed to judgement.
It’s not us, it’s the world we live in. We like to blame today’s society for the way we feel, yet we are to blame. Not by fault of our own; the negativity portrayed from day to day life is perceived as reality, with a blatant regard for anything good in our lives. Our lives are not terrible, we just cope to be happy in the world we think hates us. We can distract ourselves, find means of opening ourselves up which don’t involve human interaction, but when it comes to night, what then? What’s going to distract us from our worries, fears and poisonous attributes when we are simply lying there, waiting for sleep to grace us with its presence and end our day swiftly? Nothing, we have to brave the elements of our minds, one to one.
We don’t sleep, we think, we resolve, we conquer. Every night is an uphill battle which more often or not ends in our victory. OUR victory. We defeat our minds in a battle of the tranquil, we fix our lives in a few short hours, thinking of projects and plans to make ourselves happy again, like we deserve. This is how we sleep every night… eventually. We have to win ourselves over every night, before performing the most innate task. For those who suffer in silence, just like me, we don’t seek medication to help us, we pretend like there is nothing wrong, yet face the same battles every day, and have to claim a victory before we can sleep at night.
Yet we wake up, and all the plans of redemption and happiness are gone, and we are left feeling the same; scared, alone and having to put on our fake sense of confidence, as we realize that every night we win the battle, but the war is all but lost.
This will only get better in time, but until then I sympathize with you, and you sympathize with the rest of us. Anxiety and depression torment our lives in more ways than anyone without would ever understand. Sleep easy.