A means to an end…

What’s does it feel like to have your life figured out? To know exactly what you want and exactly what you need to do to get there?

For any normal folk, the feeling could be deemed one of two ways: fucking brilliant, or absolutely fucking fantastic. Mind the vulgarity, but you get where I’m coming from; most people’s lives become deranged and scary due to the fact that they have no idea what they’re doing, or what they want to do. They’re constantly floating in time and space, with nowhere to be, not knowing where they’re going to be years down the line.

Well, for people like me and you (you know the type, followed by anxiety and depression wherever we go), it’s quite the opposite.

You see, I have an overly analytical, borderline autistic mind, that processes, extrapolates and projects years into the future every scenario I encounter. I can’t help it, it’s just who I am. To put it into context, I generally know on a first date whether there is any point going forward or not, even if it was the best date I ever had, because my over analysis gets in the way.

So I had a big Idea; an idea that was going to make me millions. It was a ‘eureka’ moment if ever I’ve had one, clear as day. I knew exactly what I was going to do and exactly how I was going to get there. Great, right? Suddenly I felt a purpose, a new found level of motivation and suddenly I was daydreaming living in a mansion, with two Great Danes and the woman of my dreams.

The massive decline in my mental health that followed, was pretty damn unexpected. I suddenly lost interest in everything I was doing at the present. Work felt meaningless, training felt meaningless, spending time with friends felt meaningless. I got depressed because I wasn’t in the situation that I KNOW I will be in one day. I need the capital, the backing, the research under my belt before I start and It could be months. Everything is just a means to an end, and the end feels so far away.

I suppose the moral to take from this, if any, is when you have a history of mental health problems, is that over planning can be just as toxic as not knowing what you going to do. The best bet to sail by with a minimal amount of catastrophic break downs, is to set yourself short term goals.

One step at a time, to keep our eyes on the prize, without letting them worry about the future. Never let anything feel like a means to an end, that’s how our demons come crawling back.

As always,

Peace.

Francis

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6 Comments

  1. Great writing here. I have an analogy to keep me focused. I’m in the middle of a huge lake in a sailboat heading into the wind and the end of the lake is my destination. To get there I have to tac in the wind from side to side, but I’m still moving ahead and will finally get there!

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  2. As a teacher, planning is a crucial part of my job! But over-planning can be as bad as under-planning. When I’m over-planned, I lose sight of what my students need to learn and they get overwhelmed. In my own life, I also struggle with this. I make endless to-do lists that never get done. I waste time I could use for writing making plans about how I will write! I, too, am plagued by depression and anxiety. Perhaps, this need to plan is related to those disorders!

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  3. Very good points — I often find myself impatient with my current skills when I can’t do something that I can see myself doing in the future. I end up feeling stuck and angry at myself.

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  4. I would say I’m a great planner and I’ve not got autistic tendencies. My daydreams have helped me cope when times have been bad. They give my brain a holiday when the rest of me needs it. You could help the plans along by looking at pictures of Great Dane puppies. That could cheer you up. Even if it takes years to have one in reality.

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